Author: The Divorce Dare

It’s What You Don’t Know that You Don’t Know

There was an expression in Ancient Greece used by philosophers to explain mishaps, poor guidance, and misjudgment. The loose translation would be “It is what you don’t know that you don’t know.” In business, this statement is part of what leaders call “risk management.” This is how businesses gauge the strength of their business and the potential obstacles they face. While the known is easier to work with, the unknown in multiple degrees can pose significant problems that require immediate action to stave off.

While most businesses have the ability to predict some unknowns, without a keen eye, or a willingness to seek out these unknowns you can fall and fall hard. This is where the expression, “it is what you don’t know that you don’t know,” places it’s most critical hardships. In fact, some businesses estimate that what they don’t know can be as high as 75% of the total known/unknown impacts of the business.

Now, let’s bring this around to self. More specifically, our relationships. While in business companies have entire levels of management and departments who are monitoring and evaluating risk management, as an individual we frequently forget, or more likely, choose not to look for what we don’t already know.

A good example is a friendship. Think for a moment about the friends you choose to hang around. Most people, and I purposefully do not say all, will surround themselves with like-

minded individuals. These people may have similar skill sets (friendly, outgoing, passionate), have similar interests (spirituality, political beliefs, sports), and in many ways similarities in how they respond to each other. This last part is what I would like to focus on in this example.

Imagine being married and every time you tell your friends about your husband or wife you are glowing, excited, and verbally expressing that your spouse can do no wrong. What if your friends have a different opinion? What if your friends smell a cheater, an abuser, a narcissist? Would they tell you?

The answer, unfortunately for most people is no. Friends and family (you included) have a tendency to stick with the opinion of their friends—at least publically. Behind your back, and not with bad intention, your friends may have something else to say to each other about your spouse.

Now, flip that a bit. If you constantly complain about your spouse, whether your friends agree or not, they will also support you. In fact, you might be surprised during that transition how quickly friends will flip on your spouse in support of you. In this negative situation, friends may actually jump at the opportunity to prove the initial beliefs that they didn’t share with you.

Will you recognize either situation for what they are worth? Probably not. You don’t have a risk management team to help you find facts. You have friends who love you and are trying to provide emotional support.

Unfortunately, our supportive friendships can hide from us the reality of our relationships. Our friends are there for us emotionally. Their intent is good and helps us get through tough times or support positive times, but as a risk management tool, friends aren’t effective unless your minds are in sync. What I mean by that is when you love your spouse, so do  

your friends. When thinking your spouse is cheating, your friends genuinely share that belief too.

In book two of The Divorce Dare Series we will delve into:

How do we find out what we don’t know about our relationships?

How do we find out what our friends really think?

And, what do we do when what we didn’t know slaps us in the face?